The Great Aussie Debate!

Ugly Aussie was in a foul mood. Not only had he been beaten, he was being forced by his landlord to share his quarters with that bumbling idiot Newly Docile Aussie. They never seemed to be able to have a conversation that didn’t descend into a slandering match. He could feel one such developing now.

Newly Docile Aussie (NDA) : well, we were outplayed. We gave it our best shot, but those guys were a little bit better.

Ugly Aussie (UA) : A little bit better? Do you realize that two of our batsmen were given out wrongly in the fourth innings? Two? And not just any two, it was Michael Hussey the man closest to Sir Don’s average so far and Andrew Symonds – the leading run scorer in this series!

NDA: don’t you think you’re being selective about wrong decisions? What about Sydney?

UA: Sydney? Don’t even think you can compare this to Sydney! They also got two wrong decisions in the fourth innings, and look what happened! Our countrymen turned against us, the umpire who offended was exported and the whole world and its aunt frowned on us while giving the Indians credit for standing up to us! Standing bloody up? They couldn’t even last 70 overs – at least 8 of their batsmen couldn’t.

NDA: you may have a point there mate, but you know the decisions evened themselves out in this match. Sachin Tendulkar and Irfan Pathan both got rough decisions in the first innings. Two for two is fair dinkum, I say.

UA: whose bloody side are you on? Why don’t you apply for an Indian passport?

NDA: I’m saying it like it is, or rather like it was.

UA: yeah, go ahead join the brigade of that pom. The ungrateful bastard stays in our country and dares to call for the sacking of our captain!

NDA: careful mate, after the ruckus you raised, calling someone a pom may also be construed as monkey-business.

UA: are you going to find fault with that now? What are you saying, that if someone is racially abused, his abuser should be effin allowed to get away with it?

NDA: I’m not saying that at all. There is no place for racism anywhere. But then neither is there any place for sledging, or as you term it, trying to coat it with a veneer of sophistication – ‘mental disintegration’. Quite frankly, I would be more offended if you called into question my children’s parentage than if you said I resembled an orangutan (and honestly, don’t you think that skin colour apart, andrew’s behaviour and mannerisms are alarmingly simian)?

UA: do you have a point? Or do you just enjoy hearing the sound of your own sanctimonious voice?

NDA: the point is, Australia can’t set the rules for what kind of abuses can be allowed on the field. If you give, then be prepared to take. And do you know, the monkey epithet might not have been aimed racially at all… it might just be that Singh was attracting attention to the fact that the way we played our cricket, we didn’t seem to have evolved from the primate stage.

UA: keep that up, and I’ll ram my fist so far down your throat, you’ll wish you had never evolved into a being capable of feeling and imagining pain.

NDA: there you go again… hasn’t all this taught you that that is not the way we deal with things if we wish to appear civilized? Or for that matter even be civilized? Look at the Indians – they had as much of a crazy week as we did, but see how they responded in Perth.

UA: what is this India love? You’ve not taken a fancy to Deepika Padukone have you? Coz she’s not available mate.

NDA: why is that you always tend to slip in irrelevances when there are major issues at hand? Don’t you think your attempt is transparent?

UA: What attempt is transparent?

NDA: that which you’re struggling not to let yourself be aware of.

UA: what is that?

NDA: Why are we both here?

UA: I will throw you out of this place if I don't like the answer to that question.

NDA: oh no you won’t. because you can’t. Because we’re both part of the same person.
And what you’re trying so hard to avoid is that if the mind of our host had been at ease we wouldn’t even be talking to each other. I mean how late at night is it? Why isn’t Ricky asleep yet? Why is his mind awake, and by extension why are we awake and able to converse?

UA: you arrogant son of a bitch, what do you mean?

NDA: what you’re squirming to avoid mentioning. We’re both awake because dear Ricky can’t sleep. He can’t sleep because a thought haunts his mind. Look around you may be able to see the thought… see? There it is: the thought that Harbhajan will come back to bowl in Adelaide and that now along with him, there is another Indian bowler whose bunny list Ricky could top, and the new guy is just 19 years old!

UA: Hah! The greatest bastman in the world worried about a 19 year old? You wait… in Adelaide I’ll be back in full force… I allowed you too much leeway in Perth and look what happened. I’ll be back, and we’ll crush them.

NDA: Careful, don’t let your bravado get the better of you. It’s never wise to talk too much before actually acting. Else you might end up like Shaun Tait.

UA: Shaun who?